I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
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Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I’m awake but I object,
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.