I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
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I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”