I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
❤️🦆
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
