I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
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Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.