Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

(more comics:

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

Somebody call the cops.

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

😂😂

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

Just a bush.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

i could never be president. im overqualified.

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*