I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
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you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
yeah 😭
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend