I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
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Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Autocorrect completely socks
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again