I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
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Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me, flirting😏
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.