I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
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Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
The legends speak of a third Duran…
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.