Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
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Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Cndnsd Mlk
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
When does CPR become necrophilia?
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
where the womens at?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
