Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
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*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
it is time once again
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat