Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
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Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Said the murderer.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.