“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
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My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂