“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
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Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
