i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
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Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”