Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing