i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
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still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses