I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
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“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Them: You should try keto
Me:
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together