Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

In banana years, I am bread.

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

You can’t outrun your problems…

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…