Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

My wife gives the best headache.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid