Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

I ain’t wearing no wire

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

won’t smith

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”