Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”