Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

Lmao the reply

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .