Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

Grew big

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]