I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
welp
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.