I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”