I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
