I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
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I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
kevin is now a local weatherman
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.