I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
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normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
found a horse’s reddit account
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!