I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
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Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55