“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
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Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)