“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
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bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..