“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
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Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Every work call, he judges.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.