Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl