I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
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You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…