Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

Love it! 👍😂

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

Yes

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?