Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

😭😭😭

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

😂🍻

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

consequences, the bane of my existence

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.