I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
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“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
The future is now.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new