I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
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I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
What the hell happened here.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know