I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
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One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.