Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

You look like you would fail a DNA test

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

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captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job