Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If looks could kill

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

socratic questions

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

Sign at work today

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?