Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting