I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
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Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?