Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

I’ve had relationships like this

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

Cinematography is my passion

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

[outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.

A wise man once said nothing.

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

sigh

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol