Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

Remember: The first step to recovery is addiction.

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.