Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.