Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

so this horse walks into a bar

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

Beauty and the Beast

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.