Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.