I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
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HR said no more nunchucks.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree