I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
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Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir