I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
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Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat