Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

Meme Monday.

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it