I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
You Might Also Like
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
This is my cat’s medicine.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did