I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
realest tweet ever.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.