I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…