Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

I am crying

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

Oh no

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of