Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

*exercises sarcastically*

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos