I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
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*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
i love meeting boys on tinder
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks