Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.