I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
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I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew