Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”