Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

The absolute effort that went into this omg

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.