I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
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There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat