I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
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FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
This will never not be funny 😭
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Waiting for the Charmin
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All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.