I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
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If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!