I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
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The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.