I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
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It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Ummm
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
When they try to steal your moment.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
a public service announcement
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
LOL
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.