@jergarl: I'm ONLY remembering to drink fluids because you told me to. NOT because fluids are literally the only thing you CAN drink, KAREN.
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@meganamram: party idea: "DUI or IUD?" u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN'T divulge which
@burntmybagel: Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don't enjoy life.
@drankturpentine: HER: so what did you want to talk about? ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?