Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
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Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Hmmmmm
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
#polloftheday
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?