Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

What a chick magnet..

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful