Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

According to math, I’m broke

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

ibopfufen

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.