Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes