Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.