Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

I am crying

#SaturdayBears

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?