I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
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Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please