I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
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wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Creative Problem Solving
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
no exceptions
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday