Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

My love language is deader than Latin

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship