Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.