Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian