Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

I screen shot the stupidest shit. There is no way I’ll ever actually make protein pudding or “natures Gatorade.”

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)