Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

❤️🦆

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha