Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

Sharon, call the vet

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

wtf

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

A woof in sheep’s clothing.