Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its true…

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel