I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
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[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)