I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

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WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you


I keep my friends close *lean in, whisper* and my anemones closer
“Sir thats very fun but aquarium policy forbids sitting in the touch tank”


Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.


Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel


That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him


Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*


Girls that are 16 and pregnant look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.


Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.


ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!