@online_shawn

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

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@VanGobot

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

@BromanConsul

I keep my friends close *lean in, whisper* and my anemones closer
“Sir thats very fun but aquarium policy forbids sitting in the touch tank”

@hadafewbeers

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

@blaha_Who

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

@mrjohndarby

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

@mom_ontherocks

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

@shawnspree

Girls that are 16 and pregnant look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.

@GingerHotDish

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

@truegritrumble

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!