I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
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[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.